Beautiful Day, Kingdom Come
What a beautiful and peaceful afternoon. My chin lolls down to my chest periodically, as I see the sun splash brightly through the opened veranda doors and into the living room, with the neighbor’s AC unit roaring gently in the background.
And this tangerine Topo Chico is really hitting the spot.
We are studying Berean’s ten fold covenant and reading Macarthur’s “Master’s Plan for the Church” this bible study session. I like my group and feel spiritually strengthened after the first session earlier this week. R went with me, and it turns out both R and J will probably moving to Berean.
Although it did not work out with S, I’ve already learned so much dating as a believer.
Keeping a “dating journal,” frequency of communication based on how long you have been dating, experiencing how it feels when you thought it was going well, but then are unexpectedly made aware otherwise (and then processing it and realizing it might have been for the best).
Pastor Peter Kim said the message of the cross is not about our salvation in and of itself. It is for the purpose of advancing the kingdom of God. So what is the Kingdom of God? What is it’s purpose? What problem does it solve? And if it just “is,” then what is it?
Passing through a dry stretch
I feel both restless and thankful for having the time to be in solitude and rest.
I’m working 60 hours a week. I’ve begun to go on dates. I’m having fun with mtg. I get rigorous exercise 3x/week with Crossfitt/mma. I’m don’t cope with vices anymore. I am spending time with church folk and family.
But I feel incomplete. I am glad that Wed bible study is starting up again in 2 weeks. I’m spiritually looking forward to the September retreat. I’ve strayed a bit from my daily commute audio bible QT. I am attending various workshops at church and always learning more about myself and God.
I know for a fact that I have radically changed, thanks to God’s miraculous grace and mercy. What I think about, spend my free time on and how I work on my flaws all indicate a lasting change.
I think I am feeling the “dry stretch” that happens after the initial high you get from being abundantly blessed (and blessing others) with joining a fantastic church and Renewing/Growing deeper in my relationship with God.
I will not be leaving the path again, that is the difference between now and before.
My God, Lord and Savior, draw me close to you. Break me to obey and enslave myself to you. Help me continue to fall in love with you and be afraid of you. Help me to continue to seek you and your Will.
Like Paul, I will buffet this body to make it obey, for the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
Help me to learn how to pray in intercession, for both myself and others. For we are fighting not against flesh and blood but spiritual forces.
Amen.
Dating to Marry: What is my “ministry?”
I’m learning a lot about what it means to date intentionally as a Christian.
One of the questions that PPC poses to the men is “what is your ministry?” And would the person you are dating being a suitable helper in following and supporting that vision? An example he is apt to give is if the husband is called by God to be a missionary that stays in different third-world countries, is the wife excited to follow?
But what about the majority of us who are not in church ministry full-time? Will God come down in a vision and tell us with absolute specificy what the ministry should be? And don’t get married until that happens? Do the sisters check for this absolute specificity before deciding to say yes or no?
I was talking with A and a helpful metaphor that S (married) had in his head when dating N was am I the person being sent or am I the sender? For example, am I the person rappeling down into the canyon? Or am I the person that is holding him at the top?
As for the sisters, it seems like they want a man that will lead and have thought seriously about what his ministry is (which I believe is the same as discovering and obeying what God’s will).
PPC gave some guidance to T as well. Throw out “chemistry” to a large degree. Instead, let that guiding question lead you to start thinking and praying about your answers to:
How should we raise our kids? When will they be given smartphones? Can they play videogames and watch TV? If at all? Should the go to public or private school? Why? Are both of us willing to work if it is required to make that happen?
(Another helpful question: What part of how my parents raised me do I wish to replicate? To change? What is biblical? )
How should we spend our extra money? Should we have expensive things? Should we live in an expensive home?
How should we spend our free time?
How much time should we serve the church? Our immediate family? Our extended family? Our friends? With each other?
How will I directly and indirectly evangelize to my coworkers, suppliers and buyers? How many hours a week will that take?
What kind of music will we listen to?
Will we do devotionals together? How often?
Will we encourage each other and keep each other accountable?
Are we first and foremost subservient to God our Savior and Lord?
Will I submit to God?
Will she submit to me?
Will the children submit to her?
Will the younger siblings submit to the older sibling?
Will the oldest sibling take responsbility?
Will she take responsiblity?
Will I take responsiblity?
What a beautiful weekend
Jul 21 2024 11:45am
Event Log
What a beautiful weekend.
Just getting the time to rest. To be healthily bored. To enjoy the sun while walking to service and the coolness of the library afterwards.
Why do I feel good this weekend? What did I end up doing?
Friday
Went to Kingslayer after work and picked up a Commander precon deck. Seats were sold out but I learned from Christina how to prepare for next time. Seems like a healthy mtg community, look forward to playing some Magic each week with the community.
Going to bed on weekends is still slightly difficult, even after an eventful day, but it’s good practice in learning how to unwind and let sleep take me.
Saturday
Went to work for about 5 hours to get my 60 hours in.
Went to 11am Muay Thai class during the middle and had fun with sparring.
Had about 2 hours left before meeting up with my Berean broom ball dinner group, so I went to Kspa. The endorphins from the cold/hot pool was GLORIOUS.
Had a great dinner at Roscoe’s Anaheim with my group, then had a surprisingly good/active time at broom ball. Fell like 7 times but felt so good playing with new and old friends.
Sunday
Woke up naturally at 7am so decided to go to 1st service. Great sermon.
Had a wonderfully relaxing and delicious time eating breakfast alone at Nep Cafe.
After making a few more appointments for the coming week, I went to Heritage Library (where I am typing this).
I’ll be back at Berean to help with breaking down the baptismal pool after 3rd service.
Then head home to just rest, prepare my clothes and gym bag for the week.
Rest of the evening just spending time with family, doing some hobbies and then going to bed (:
===
Quick Thoughts
Why is Abstinence Important?
Abstaining from pmo and YouTube allows Boredom and “spiritual pressure” to naturally build up. This ultimately creates an Overflow of seeking God, serving and loving others and to have joy, peace and thanksgiving in fellowship, work, hobbies and thinking/doing new things.
Why do we get Sunday Scaries?
This can be a whole separate essay. But in short, we are trying to avoid reality and responsibilities. Or it is a new/difficult season of life (but this gives you the opportunity to mature and grow deeper in your relationship with Christ as savior and lord).
By resting properly and submitting to God, we can do our best at “diving” into the week, versus shrinking away.
What is Rest?
Sleep, napping, zoning out at a park, getting Bored, going to the spa, Not being on any devices. Hobbies. Eating. Reading the Bible. Praying. Worshiping. Fellowshipping. Being alone in silence. Observing the Sabbath. Going on a vacation. Going on a mini daycation.
*Although some of the above if used incorrectly can make you even more tired.
*Almost always screens do not provide rest. Being alone too much is not rest. Being constantly with other people is also not rest.
What is the purpose of Rest?
Sunday 10:34am (What I do NOT want to do)
This is interesting. What do I do now?
I do not want to particularly do any of my “Big 3” hobbies (ie photo, blog, music). I also did my weekly minimum goal for these already also.
The easy thing (and what I have always done) is to “relax” by watching tv or playing video games.
That is precisely what I do NOT want to, for several reasons:
I want to actually recover from cognitive exhaustion, so that I can enter and finish the work week strong, with enthusiasm, hope and joy.
I want to please and obey God by spending “‘my’ free time” in a way that pleases Him (worship/delight in Him, spread the Gospel, love others as He loves me).
I believe that watching tv and playing video games will prevent me or greatly slow my maturity in discovering and obeying God’s will. And my subjective enjoyment/satisfaction with life, in present/future/past tense.
I will say this started with, and I enjoyed, having a good coffee and spacing out while feeling the peak of the caffeine buzz.
I do in a strange way look forward to just seeing how the rest of this day will reveal itself on this Sabbath.
I will probably go eat something soon, but not sure of what. Something Asian…maybe BCD? And then enjoy just reading some books on my kindle while I eat.
—
3:28
Ok cool, we have 3.5 hours left before heading to bed.
Ate BCD. Ate Sul & Beans. Grabbed a PB cake from their new Campus location for Dad. Came home and closed my eyes for a few minutes. Changed my sheets. Sent out some film to develop. Now I’m waiting for the Sortex bags to finish laundering.
For sure it was a simple and humble afternoon, but I do feel like I Rested and just allowed myself to space out and be bored for pockets of time while in the house.
What to do for the remainder of the evening?
Probably continue reading (ie What is the Gospel by 9marks). Maybe snack a little bit.
Will probably have a small dinner and cake with Dad at home. He may or may not want to talk about his birthday and thoughts.
Not particularly feeling inclined to do music or play some online Magic. If I do, I do.
That’s about it!
Maybe this will lead into a good week, where I am present, aligning myself with the Holy Spirit and just really attending to what is in front of me, no matter what the event is.
I also feel this solitude lets my mind wander and begin to think of what to do/plan for. To enjoy God and hear Him when he speaks.
July 4th 2024 Weekend
I’m writing this right now 2 reasons:
It is part of my “trigger plan” for making watching entertainment videos (ie youtube) more difficult by having steps to go through until that impulse has passed.
It is my goal to make a writing post once a week.
Buca di Beppo is on the way (fettucine alfredo and a giant meatball) to the office.
Going to my first Berean EV outing at Irvine Spectrum was such a blessing. And I really got to decompress at iSpa after.
Now I am currently at the office to just check in with the last employee here for the Saturday shift.
—
We had burgers and hotdogs on Thursday and that was really nice to just grill in the backyard with family and decompress.
Thankfully got work in on Thursday, Friday and today. Look forward to having the Sabbath day tomorrow to do a full rest.
I’m going to set up the baptismal pool before 1st service tomorrow and then leave after 1st service is finished at 9am.
Not sure what I will do between 9am and 3pm (6 hours). But I really want to spend that time to truly rest, enjoy God and all the good things.
We’ll be celebrating Dad’s birthday at Morangak at 3:30.
Honestly, not forcing anything, just writing what comes to mind.
Next week is a busy week, but I feel I will be prepared and rested by the time Monday morning arrives.
It has been a good weekend so far!
Battling Captivating Sins
How did M eventually lose its captivating hold on me?
First and foremost, it was a miracle. I tried countless times with no success. But through perseverance and desire, it was God’s mercy/grace working on me that ultimately had it lose its grip on me.
Is P any different? P is merely a manifestation of lust (just like an extramarital affair, non-healthy sex in a marriage or leering/fantasizing). So lust is the sin to grapple with.
Some observations:
-P is more easily accessible than M. But with Screentime it is manageable.
-Having coffees and meals with church folk and family acts as a deterrent (not wanting to let them down).
-Having a Trigger Plan that you follow is an excellent, practical practice (regardless if you end up relapsing or not). So for me it’s set a timer for 23 min, pray to God, get out of the house, go outside/stretch/spa, call someone you trust and then finally pray to God again).
—-
Of course, not letting myself get that tired and alone is the best preventative measure, but that will not always be possible. Hence the Trigger Plan.
But I think with M, it took me addressing the root sin (ie fear, insecurity, lack of self-confidence, not wanting to confront reality/chaos) in order for that manifestation to lose its grip on me.
—-
So try the 5 Whys.
The cause of P is Lust. Why is Lust particularly challenging?
Because I spent a lifetime of being told and accepting that it was “ok” by societal culture.
Why?
Because it allowed me to view it as “acceptable” enough to “let off some steam.”
Why?
Because I viewed women first and foremost for my own satisfaction (physical and then emotional)
Why?
Because I had no other way I was willing to try to have those needs met.
Why?
Because I did not believe there was a Way, and that it was worth the withdrawals to get there.
Why?
Because I thought I had to do it myself. When in reality it is accountability from others, and the external power of Christ.
—
Dear God,
Show me one step at a time what I must do to gouge out my eye? To address the root cause. And to understand the Reason for abstaining from it (so that it does not prevent me from receiving your love and loving others).
Amen.
Sunday 7:25pm
Well, that was nice.
After PMOing after a week, I finished cleaning my room by throwing away everything I don’t need.
Forcing myself to write this to get into a habit of doing my hobbies at least weekly.
I now know I can’t be alone at home on Saturdays and Sundays as right now the temptation to PMO is too great. Especially after having met people and served others, thoughts will arise such as “I did a great job, just a little release. Try again next time. You don’t need to meet anyone until later on in the week.”
But I thank God that my affections are miraculously changing. The music and podcasts I listen to. Just staying still, enjoying good weather and my disposition at work. Stuff that I did not and could not change by my own. Including having a growing conviction towards PMO and what it reveals in my changing heart.
Let’s try again with PMO next weekend by avoiding being home alone!
I’m going to sleep in about 2 hours. I think I will eat a little more. And then just shower and read my kindle.
I’ll just open up Logic and my photos to do “low expectations.”
Sunday 10:41am
Wow, what a beautiful day.
I really savored the slowness of Sabbath. No alarm clock.
Woke up at 7am after 8 hours of sleep.
Planned on going to a cafe but went with the flow instead.
Went downstairs and fried an egg and ate my leftover steak katsu sandwich.
Made myself a cup of coffee. I noticed the mist/sprinkle following outside the window and relished the beauty.
Read a few more pages of Gospel According to Jesus. It continues to be compelling and riveting.
Afterwards, I boxed up one box worth of belongings to store in the garage. Lately I’ve had a desire to minimize everything in my room to only what I regularly use.
Changed my sheets and then hopped in the shower to get ready for church.
—
What do I plan on doing for the rest of the day?
Head to church in about 10min. Do my cleaning shift after service. 50/50 on going to this week’s book club with Kyle. Maybe I will just stay for 30-45 minutes. Max 1 hour.
Feel like doing a quick gym workout, then probably Door Dash Boiling Point for dinner.
Finish the evening with working a little on my photo section and making music.
Plan on getting in at 5am tomorrow because I rested well this weekend.
—
Learning how to abstain from Youtube/adult content/gaming/certain music (but more so the first two) continues to be a miraculous sanctification process. My affectations are changing, and I know it’s not from my own will power or desire. It is a regenerative force from the Holy Spirit.
—
It is remarkable that the longer I abstain from fleshly devices (but not in and of itself), the more I find my previous, healthier desires naturally coming out. Going on a weekend excursion. Wanting to really travel. Read, write and engage in hobbies. Get coffees/meals with people.
—
Thank you God, Savior and Lord.
May 29 2024
Just write.
What am I feeling?
I feel good, I feel naturally gassed. It’s 3:11pm, what would get me excited to work until 6:30 (12 hours)?
Well I have muay thai at 7. But how about for the next 3 hours?
Maybe if I just sit with my eyes closed and do nothing, I will naturally find motivation to continue working. I can drink a redbull and get artificially amped to keep going relentlessly but that does not feel natural.
Can the answer really be to just give and love others? From an outpouring of His love for me? How do I experience that? What if it is as simple as continuing to follow my instincts “Indiana Jones” style, one step at a time?
I did Sales today (eat the frog, low expectations). Is the next step to dream? Spend more “blank time” dreaming?
Work 70 hours/week, calmly
This is massive action.
But when you start you will go between 2 extremes:
1. Think calmly/rationally for 40 hours per week.
2. Work frantically for 70 hours per week.
You must learn the prerequisite first of how to think rationally.
And then feel the urge to work 70 hours per week.
If you begin to feel frustrated/stressed that the next step is being blocked, you must step away immediately.
Always come from a place of curiosity.
Take 20 minutes, write your thoughts down.
If the next step is still blocked, ask for help.
How do you choose what to do in business?
Does it increase revenue?
Does it decrease expenses?
Is it administrative work?
*What Needs are you satisfying? (product-market fit)
Labor Day Weekend
Sunday 1:37pm
I’m using nicotine patches to get off of nicotine completely, it’s day 03 today. I know this can only be done by God and is another way of experiencing God. My caffeine usage will increase but that’s okay.
Today’s sermon about Judas Iscariot was really good (ie how do you know you are not Judas Iscariot <iCloud notes #sermon>)?
There are 3 signs you are betraying God: you stop studying the Bible, you stop interacting with church members and you stop going to church completely. Because these things bring light to darkness, making it impossible for darkness to exist at the same time.
I turned 30 yesterday.
I’m going to the gym after the inductive bible study lab. Not sure what I will do after. I know I’ll be working tomorrow on Labor Day. Just going to practice being present. I notice that without oral consumption of nicotine, I feel and think about more of the things left to do at work. I prayed to God during service today to be true to Him in everything I do.
2:35pm
John 3:16 - If humans never sinned, would Jesus have had to die on the cross? Would Jesus have had to come to Earth? To be man and paid for our sins as men? (For God SO loved the world, THAT he gave His only BEGOTTEN [give rise to] son)
Journal: Taking Saturday Off
3:55pm
It feels both neccessary and boring taking today off from work, the first time in weeks (maybe months). I want to be in people’s lives and I want them to be in mine.
Friday Evening
So tired but I solved a lot of problems during the week so I don’t feel guilty. I notice how lonely I feel. It would be great to go to a bar with some friends right now. But Dave’s Hot Chicken, a mango cart and a Coor’s light in the cool restauraunt interior will have to do.
Tired. I am tearing through Blake Crouch’s Wayward Pines trilogy. I am glad it is there to provide me entertainment. I go to sleep at 11pm.
Saturday
I wake up 8 hours later. Read some more. Take a shower. Debate what to do (everything seems tiring). Make myself a double shot espresso with milk and hot water.
Walk around the cul-de-sac. Decide to go bouldering and eat Boiling Point afterwards.
The gym and my anonymity in it feels comfortable. I stretch deeply, run on the treadmill, repeatedly lift a barbell over my head and then go figure out the “body puzzles.”
I meet up with Jo for Boiling Point and we both get some boba at Sunright next door (strawberry yakult for me). Go home while listening to a Bad Friends podcast episode, read some more Crouch, take a shower and continue reading and dozing.
*I remind myself as I get bored and simmer in this blessed free time to continue to not engage with porn or youtube , as those 2 vices will result in nothing worthwhile happening during the weekend.
It’s 4:11pm, what will I do now? I just want to have fun. I want to feel happy. I want to love and be loved. Maybe I’ll go walk around fashion island for a bit and then watch a movie? But there’s no great movies to watch. Call Tim and see what he’s up to?
7:33pm
There’s no movie I want to watch. I ask Jo to come to Trader Joe’s with me and she acquiesces.
We buy groceries and novelties. Back at home I finish 3/4 of a bottle of sauvignon blanc and I am feeling a pretty good buzz even as I am writing this down. Dinner consisted of chicken nuggets, hot pot leftovers, artichoke spinach dip and chocolate covered clusters.
I am ready to just read some manga and books for the rest of the evening before turning in.
I’m tempted to go into work tomorrow, but let’s see. The whole point of Saturdays off monthly is to “resist” that temptation to work and really relax, do nothing, get bored, think , occupy a liminal space, decide what I want in my life etc.
Sunday
2:13pm
I feel a lot more renewed.
Woke up earlier today at 6am after 8 hours of sleep. Stayed in bed for about 2 hours reading manga and being a little depressed.
Made a double shot espresso with hot water and decided to go to TTH to get a spam and egg banh mi and rice paper with sides. Brought some home for mom before heading to church.
On the way there I finally got around to listening to the Jerry Flowers podcast recommended by Jo. The episode was titled something like “you bring whatever you did not resolve in singleness into togetherness.” Combined with the sermon and having a chat with Tim in his car before going our separate ways greatly lifted my spirits and gave me renewed vigor and hope to keep going forward in work, friendships and dating. Praise the Lord.
Going to play a bit of MTG online now and do whatever before having family dinner at 4pm at Din Tai Fung.
It was a good, restorative weekend.
Don’t forget that you were slaves in the land of Egypt. The Lord your God brought you out of Egypt with his great power and made you free. That is why the Lord your God commands you to always make the Sabbath a special day.
Deuteronomy 5:15 (ERV)
Journal: Sunday
9:36am
I’m drinking a chagaccino at Coffee Nature and damn is it good.
What am I going to do today?
Go to church, new visitor’s luncheon and then probably some kind of exercise after.
Last night I read a few chapters of “They Both Die at the End.” The story makes you think if you were notified you would die in the next 24 hours, what would you do? If you knew you can be notified at any random point in your life, how would you plan and live your life differently, preparing for your death?
Semen retention is a good practice, it allows you to channel that tension into taking care of responsibilities, pushing your self and being more social around others.
Abstaining from porn is a good practice, it resets your dopamine levels to natural levels (so you can enjoy life) and reconfigure your views on the woman, the body and sexuality.
-
10:41am
Cool! I updated my blog photo section. See and be seen. Create and consume.
Journal: Tired
5:16pm
I’m so tired that I don’t want to do anything, but it’s hard doing nothing as well.
I’m waiting for my clothes to finish washing and I picked up my dry cleaning earlier.
Went to work, but productivity was lower than during the week. There has to be another way of doing the week and weekends.
I’m alone at home right now and I was tempted to watch porn but I didn’t.
I don’t want to go to the movies. I want to go to church tomorrow and will attend the new visitor’s luncheon afterward.
How do I rest?
-
7:24pm
I finished folding my laundry and I talked with J while doing it because I don’t have any media available. And I feel better after socializing with people.
Downloaded some book recommendations, so that’s what I’ll probably do after shaving and showering.
Right now I’m going to get the Snoop Dogg munchies meal at Jack in the Box as a treat.
I think I am ready to naturally go to sleep tonight.
And probably will have an itch to do some kind of physical movement tomorrow.
Morning will be nice tomorrow before 11am service, to just enjoy the morning.
Journal: Hope
4:33am
What gives me hope? To keep moving forward. To not just quit, but desire passionately in steps?
Retirement
1 full weekend off each month
Getting married
Breaking past limits, remembering past limits that were broken
Growing into church community, social interactions at church and gym
Hobbies: mtg, blogging, film photo, music production, reading/manga
Quitting porn, no video/audio apps on my phone
Trying to get closer to God
Exercise: crossfit 3x/week, bouldering 1x/week
Sabbath rest
Growing in managing/delegating work departments
Getting back quicker from down peaks of negative “why is everything broken” to positive “this can be fixed, and will improve my life”
Pressure/encouragement to compete and complete Goals with coworkers, gym members and family
Getting better at getting/organizing information, finding the signal in noise and executing/completing
M-Sat morning “Jesus Calling” book
Random Thoughts
12:36pm
Doing nothing is surprising difficult, but rewarding, I mean just closing your eyes and breathing and letting thoughts come and go. To let feelings surge, be tempered, pushed down or processed.
We are visiting Uncle Johnny before family dinner today after his successful surgery with removing his cancerous tumor.
Nick introduced himself to me after 9am service was over. Good reminder to just sit in the chair and talk with people, it feels very warm and welcoming as a newcomer!
There are 5 days coming up where I will give it my all at work, I am slightly nervous but know I am doing my best actually resting today.
Going to doodle on Logic Pro for as long as I can right after this (usually 10 minutes) and likely play a round or two of MTG online. I already prepared my gym and work clothing. Watered the fig leaves upstairs. I might shoot some hoops and/or keep dozing on the couch downstairs.
Recently I finished Mashle (muscles and magic) manga and am currently reading My Hero Academia manga.
I am looking for a wife.
Recently I've felt a longing for God, to experience intimacy with Him. Yes, I am working hard at becoming a man of God, but I just feel the secret whisperings and warmth is lower than it could be. (Sermon today: you have forgotten your first love. Love the Lord with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your soul)
Mom’s birthday is next Friday.
I’m thankful for Sundays, Thankful I get at least 1 day a week to not go to the office. Thankful that I am still going to church. Thankful for Crossfit and bouldering. Thankful for having the opportunity to be courageous and break self limitations. Thankful for accepting any “unfairness” in life.
*I realized I felt that Sundays are too short. But if I have an actual 2 day weekend (Saturday) that would feel incredible. I’ve been working the last 5 Saturdays in a row plus OT during the week. I will make it a goal to have one full weekend each month.