Labor Day Weekend
Sunday 1:37pm
I’m using nicotine patches to get off of nicotine completely, it’s day 03 today. I know this can only be done by God and is another way of experiencing God. My caffeine usage will increase but that’s okay.
Today’s sermon about Judas Iscariot was really good (ie how do you know you are not Judas Iscariot <iCloud notes #sermon>)?
There are 3 signs you are betraying God: you stop studying the Bible, you stop interacting with church members and you stop going to church completely. Because these things bring light to darkness, making it impossible for darkness to exist at the same time.
I turned 30 yesterday.
I’m going to the gym after the inductive bible study lab. Not sure what I will do after. I know I’ll be working tomorrow on Labor Day. Just going to practice being present. I notice that without oral consumption of nicotine, I feel and think about more of the things left to do at work. I prayed to God during service today to be true to Him in everything I do.
2:35pm
John 3:16 - If humans never sinned, would Jesus have had to die on the cross? Would Jesus have had to come to Earth? To be man and paid for our sins as men? (For God SO loved the world, THAT he gave His only BEGOTTEN [give rise to] son)
Journal: Taking Saturday Off
3:55pm
It feels both neccessary and boring taking today off from work, the first time in weeks (maybe months). I want to be in people’s lives and I want them to be in mine.
Friday Evening
So tired but I solved a lot of problems during the week so I don’t feel guilty. I notice how lonely I feel. It would be great to go to a bar with some friends right now. But Dave’s Hot Chicken, a mango cart and a Coor’s light in the cool restauraunt interior will have to do.
Tired. I am tearing through Blake Crouch’s Wayward Pines trilogy. I am glad it is there to provide me entertainment. I go to sleep at 11pm.
Saturday
I wake up 8 hours later. Read some more. Take a shower. Debate what to do (everything seems tiring). Make myself a double shot espresso with milk and hot water.
Walk around the cul-de-sac. Decide to go bouldering and eat Boiling Point afterwards.
The gym and my anonymity in it feels comfortable. I stretch deeply, run on the treadmill, repeatedly lift a barbell over my head and then go figure out the “body puzzles.”
I meet up with Jo for Boiling Point and we both get some boba at Sunright next door (strawberry yakult for me). Go home while listening to a Bad Friends podcast episode, read some more Crouch, take a shower and continue reading and dozing.
*I remind myself as I get bored and simmer in this blessed free time to continue to not engage with porn or youtube , as those 2 vices will result in nothing worthwhile happening during the weekend.
It’s 4:11pm, what will I do now? I just want to have fun. I want to feel happy. I want to love and be loved. Maybe I’ll go walk around fashion island for a bit and then watch a movie? But there’s no great movies to watch. Call Tim and see what he’s up to?
7:33pm
There’s no movie I want to watch. I ask Jo to come to Trader Joe’s with me and she acquiesces.
We buy groceries and novelties. Back at home I finish 3/4 of a bottle of sauvignon blanc and I am feeling a pretty good buzz even as I am writing this down. Dinner consisted of chicken nuggets, hot pot leftovers, artichoke spinach dip and chocolate covered clusters.
I am ready to just read some manga and books for the rest of the evening before turning in.
I’m tempted to go into work tomorrow, but let’s see. The whole point of Saturdays off monthly is to “resist” that temptation to work and really relax, do nothing, get bored, think , occupy a liminal space, decide what I want in my life etc.
Sunday
2:13pm
I feel a lot more renewed.
Woke up earlier today at 6am after 8 hours of sleep. Stayed in bed for about 2 hours reading manga and being a little depressed.
Made a double shot espresso with hot water and decided to go to TTH to get a spam and egg banh mi and rice paper with sides. Brought some home for mom before heading to church.
On the way there I finally got around to listening to the Jerry Flowers podcast recommended by Jo. The episode was titled something like “you bring whatever you did not resolve in singleness into togetherness.” Combined with the sermon and having a chat with Tim in his car before going our separate ways greatly lifted my spirits and gave me renewed vigor and hope to keep going forward in work, friendships and dating. Praise the Lord.
Going to play a bit of MTG online now and do whatever before having family dinner at 4pm at Din Tai Fung.
It was a good, restorative weekend.
Don’t forget that you were slaves in the land of Egypt. The Lord your God brought you out of Egypt with his great power and made you free. That is why the Lord your God commands you to always make the Sabbath a special day.
Deuteronomy 5:15 (ERV)
Journal: Sunday
9:36am
I’m drinking a chagaccino at Coffee Nature and damn is it good.
What am I going to do today?
Go to church, new visitor’s luncheon and then probably some kind of exercise after.
Last night I read a few chapters of “They Both Die at the End.” The story makes you think if you were notified you would die in the next 24 hours, what would you do? If you knew you can be notified at any random point in your life, how would you plan and live your life differently, preparing for your death?
Semen retention is a good practice, it allows you to channel that tension into taking care of responsibilities, pushing your self and being more social around others.
Abstaining from porn is a good practice, it resets your dopamine levels to natural levels (so you can enjoy life) and reconfigure your views on the woman, the body and sexuality.
-
10:41am
Cool! I updated my blog photo section. See and be seen. Create and consume.
Journal: Tired
5:16pm
I’m so tired that I don’t want to do anything, but it’s hard doing nothing as well.
I’m waiting for my clothes to finish washing and I picked up my dry cleaning earlier.
Went to work, but productivity was lower than during the week. There has to be another way of doing the week and weekends.
I’m alone at home right now and I was tempted to watch porn but I didn’t.
I don’t want to go to the movies. I want to go to church tomorrow and will attend the new visitor’s luncheon afterward.
How do I rest?
-
7:24pm
I finished folding my laundry and I talked with J while doing it because I don’t have any media available. And I feel better after socializing with people.
Downloaded some book recommendations, so that’s what I’ll probably do after shaving and showering.
Right now I’m going to get the Snoop Dogg munchies meal at Jack in the Box as a treat.
I think I am ready to naturally go to sleep tonight.
And probably will have an itch to do some kind of physical movement tomorrow.
Morning will be nice tomorrow before 11am service, to just enjoy the morning.
Journal: Hope
4:33am
What gives me hope? To keep moving forward. To not just quit, but desire passionately in steps?
Retirement
1 full weekend off each month
Getting married
Breaking past limits, remembering past limits that were broken
Growing into church community, social interactions at church and gym
Hobbies: mtg, blogging, film photo, music production, reading/manga
Quitting porn, no video/audio apps on my phone
Trying to get closer to God
Exercise: crossfit 3x/week, bouldering 1x/week
Sabbath rest
Growing in managing/delegating work departments
Getting back quicker from down peaks of negative “why is everything broken” to positive “this can be fixed, and will improve my life”
Pressure/encouragement to compete and complete Goals with coworkers, gym members and family
Getting better at getting/organizing information, finding the signal in noise and executing/completing
M-Sat morning “Jesus Calling” book
Random Thoughts
12:36pm
Doing nothing is surprising difficult, but rewarding, I mean just closing your eyes and breathing and letting thoughts come and go. To let feelings surge, be tempered, pushed down or processed.
We are visiting Uncle Johnny before family dinner today after his successful surgery with removing his cancerous tumor.
Nick introduced himself to me after 9am service was over. Good reminder to just sit in the chair and talk with people, it feels very warm and welcoming as a newcomer!
There are 5 days coming up where I will give it my all at work, I am slightly nervous but know I am doing my best actually resting today.
Going to doodle on Logic Pro for as long as I can right after this (usually 10 minutes) and likely play a round or two of MTG online. I already prepared my gym and work clothing. Watered the fig leaves upstairs. I might shoot some hoops and/or keep dozing on the couch downstairs.
Recently I finished Mashle (muscles and magic) manga and am currently reading My Hero Academia manga.
I am looking for a wife.
Recently I've felt a longing for God, to experience intimacy with Him. Yes, I am working hard at becoming a man of God, but I just feel the secret whisperings and warmth is lower than it could be. (Sermon today: you have forgotten your first love. Love the Lord with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your soul)
Mom’s birthday is next Friday.
I’m thankful for Sundays, Thankful I get at least 1 day a week to not go to the office. Thankful that I am still going to church. Thankful for Crossfit and bouldering. Thankful for having the opportunity to be courageous and break self limitations. Thankful for accepting any “unfairness” in life.
*I realized I felt that Sundays are too short. But if I have an actual 2 day weekend (Saturday) that would feel incredible. I’ve been working the last 5 Saturdays in a row plus OT during the week. I will make it a goal to have one full weekend each month.
Random Thoughts
I misplaced my keys today. Hopefully they turn up.
Once you get the laptop open it’s easier to start writing.
I look forward to getting a lot of sleep tonight and going to 9am service. Have an espresso in the morning. Spend some time journaling. I loaded film into my camera today.
Really, I’m just extremely grateful to have a Sabbath day to just rest and enjoy “being little.”
Going into week 4 of no PMO and it’s been a week since deleting music and video apps on my laptop and phone.
Maybe I’ll climb tomorrow. Maybe I’ll go to the spa tomorrow.
Random Thoughts
Friday, Jul 21
8:21pm 2023
What am I doing this weekend?
I should be bouldering with Jo and our cousin Emily, who I haven’t seen in a few years.
I’m hoping I found a new gym at Crossfit Lumberyard since RXD unexpectedly shut down (I will miss that environment).
I wanted to play MTG, create with Logic Pro and begin shooting film again because I feel those are extensions of who I am when I am not working, but I don’t feel like doing them, the activation energy seems too much right now.
Not having music or video on my iPhone and Mac makes me even write this in the first place.
I want to attend more events at Berean, I look forward to talking to people there on Sunday and get the good word.
I worked 18 hours yesterday, that was cool. I know sleeping is what my body needs right now but I’m itching for something. I’m very grateful to be resting right now in the Observatory living room right now.
Going to an event and mingling with cool people sounds fun.
Finishing Experiencing God (last 2 chapters) crosses my mind.
Okay I’m getting drowsy now.
Life Slice
I don’t do blogging as much anymore. Most of my thought processing is done on Roam (higher learning curve, but extremely useful) now. What am I/have been up to these days?
Cut out a lot of my vices more or less permanently.
Have been rekindling my relationship with God and the church. I’ve signed up for a life group at Beloved.
Switched from FL Studio to Logic Pro. The UI of the latter just makes sense (not surprising for an Apple product). I almost cried in joy at realizing it wasn’t me, FL studio really feels like rocket science as a entry level user.
Work: this is what I think, sleep and breathe about 90% of the time right now. We are entering a recession in 2023 and we are making big moves in terms of ownership members stepping up to the plate and filling in an even bigger pair of shoes.
When I “depend on/trust God,” each day seems possible to rise to the [highest] occasion. Much easier said than done.
My social media has been deactivated for a few months now, I help keep track of staying in touch with the people I want to be in vicinity to by using Dex.
While I am focusing heavily on Work, I am much more calmer, at ease and looking forward to marriage. This came through a series of emotional stages (ie talking to anyone and everyone about it, heated exchanges with the parents, proximal influence from seeing T and G’s relationship and deep/heavy internal reflection at this stage of life at 29.
What do I do on my free time? Go see friends, go to church [events], do crossfit 3x/week (I am glad to have found a social community there), doodle around on Logic Pro, a few games here and there on MTG Arena, snap some film here and there or use VSCO and more rarely upload a blog post. Do chores, take care of more domicile tasks, doing a lot more thinking/journaling (Roam). Saying yes to more people in life in general. Going to korean spa.
Moving back in with T and R. It was great spending just under a year with the parents, and I helped my Dad out a lot emotionally. But it’s time to move out again.
Life slice
Saturday. It’s a cloudy day, a welcome reprieve from the August heat and the pressure of the looming sqf audit. I’ve just finished a noble degenerates breakfast: eggs, Diet Coke and the last slice of pizza of sgt pepperonis and an espresso.
After playing a few rounds of magic the gathering online last night , I turned in at around midnight , waking up from the daylight at around 7am. Not bad , but not great . But that’s revenge bedtime procrastination for you.
After I shower I’m out the door and headed to the office to see what I’ll be doing today.
Part 2
I arrived at the office. We are doing major renovation, you can literally see Change coming. Tim and I talk outside and he informs me of the big hiring and directional pushes that will all be occurring. In short: big, scary and exciting responsibilities coming toward everyone’s way.
And just like that, my emotional statehas changed for a Saturday morning. All of a sudden, the desire to write about a slice of life has vanished. Now all I can think about is how to get everything done. Suddenly the breaks between weekends and weekdays are no longer as salient, required nor desired.
At least until this part of the journey is done.
Fasting/Abstinence, to find a way Forward
The whole point of fasting, abstaining and disciplining yourself is to get to an Uncomfortable point where you will start pushing yourself beyond your limits, find your Dream and Understand the meaning of life. (Luckily you only need about 66 days of self-discipline and will power in order for a new neural pathway to Manifest as a habit [The One Thing, Keller])
But a habit to achieve what? Because fasting/abstinence in and of itself is not the goal. It is not meant to be done forever and without achieving the purpose of it. Be wary of the danger of subscribing to the religiosity of fasting, without completing the more significant part of what comes next?
Just anticipate that (at least for 66 days) you will feel Cranky, Restless, Agitated, Bored, etc. and that is is part of the Hero’s Journey. Tap into these emotional states, they will begin to push you further into the Mist. (If you can’t bear to do anything outside of the list, don’t do anything. Just do Nothing, and let things spontaneously happen.)
The List: (* indicates not being done yet)
Locked phone
No thc/cbd
Facebook/Instagram deactivated
Spotify/Soundcloud removed from my phone
No Youtube/Netflix
No Porn
Fasting from food 1x/week + Attending dawn prayer service 1x/week
Limit going to gym only 4x/week (3 Crossfit classes, 1 strength lifting session that must be done on the weekend)
Wake up at 4am M-TH
*Cut paycheck period by 15% by 30% by 50%
*Give up alcohol and cigarettes
Books that are helping:
The One Thing - Gary Keller
How We Change (And Ten Reasons Why We Don’t) - Ross Ellenhorn
The Artist’s Journey: The Wake of the Hero’s Journey and the Lifelong Pursuit of Meaning - Steven Pressfield
Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals - Oliver Burkeman
Never Enough: The Neuroscience and Experience of Addiction - Judith Grisel
12 Rules For Life: Antidote to Chaos - Jordan Peterson
Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life - Jordan Peterson
The Neccesity for Both Newness and Mastery
I know something is up when I feel I’ve been in a rut for more than a few days. Usually this is indicated by an uptick in vices (i.e. drinking, watching porn)*. And always a shrinking away from socializing with others and a general feeling of Toiling in a kind of hopeless, never-ending purgatory.
One new insight I gained this time around was the dual need for “newness” and “mastery.”
If things are starting to feel like a drag, or the tasks at hand seem impossible to complete and there is a noticeable “leaning-away” mentally from the situation, then either one or both of things need to be inspected, and radically changed from the status quo.
In this instance:
I was stressing about the annual audit and how much there was left to prepare for.
How much Sales, R&D and equipment related tasks were fighting for my same bandwidth.
Work was beginning to feel like just “one big project after another”…
I was craving social interaction.
I had “mastered” enough of starting this blog and producing content for it, and now seeking Newness and Mastery for at least the above points.
Every weekend was really starting to feel the same.
So the answer for now is to just do radically new things for the next several weeknights and weekends. And also to think radically new ways of solving the Work problems above (ie pivoting to hiring 2 QA techs vs 1 QA tech and 1 QA manager)
In order to Master something, you have to place a premium of focus/attention to it. But if you get stuck on the path of mastery you must try something radically New in order to get out of a continuing rut.
Likewise the other end would be serially starting and engaging with new things/ideas, but never being disciplined enough to Master and complete what is important. And of course, we are wired for newness, and this allows us to find problems to solve and to continue engaging with life.
And finally, even before examining the ratio of Mastery to Newness, the more fundamental question underlying that is:
What is my Dream? What am I willing to sacrifice almost everything for? What makes the most brutal of Responsibilites worth shouldering?
—-
Footnotes:
*I used to obsess over when I broke a “streak” of abstaining from a particular vice. Or fret when a vice that seemed to not be an issue anymore suddenly reared its head again. The vice itself is the wrong thing to focus on. The better question is why am I acting out more frequentlty and for longer durations?
The answer almost always is because you feel temporarily hopeless about mastering something or doing something new.
In Nascar, in order to win/and not crash, they say “focus on the curve, not the wall.” Similarly, commiting or not commiting vices (the wall) is truly irrelevant. Rather, what about your life narrative or dream is not salient enough to Consume you (so that you don’t have an increasing desire to engage in destructive behaviours?)
Small Bites
Why I quit Tumblr
I was browsing my feed and suggestions more than actually writing/posting.
There was a disproportionate amount of left-leaning content that was hard to keep seeing on a regular basis.
Why I [now] stay away from cannabis
It’s too good at calming me down, at reducing my anxiety. It lets me be blissfully okay with the state of affairs in my life. I end up increasing my frequency and begin to develop a dependency on it. It becomes much more difficult to stay still, to Rest, to Wrestle, to Create and to be a social cat seeking others. It allows me to be okay with going day by day by day… I end up stress/binge eating more frequently. I end up binge watching video content mindlessly. It makes be too okay with being too alone too often.
*Coffee, nicotine and alcohol do not have the same intoxicating, alluring effect.
What I wrote on my iPhone after watching Poor Yella Rednecks
04.14.19
Every other weekend, something like this needs to be seen. To regain courage.
Wow. This must be why people go to church every week…
The Prodigal Son, The Resentful Brother and The Loving Father
29 But he answered and said to his father, ‘Look! For so many years I have been serving you and I have never neglected a command of yours; and yet you have never given me a young goat, so that I might celebrate with my friends; 30 but when this son of yours came, who has devoured your [l]wealth with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him.’ 31 And he said to him, ‘Son, you have always been with me, and all that is mine is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and rejoice, for this brother of yours was dead and has begun to live, and was lost and has been found.’”
- Excerpt from Luke 15 (The Lost Sheep, The Lost Coin and The Prodigal Son)
While the Younger brother is welcomed back for having Found how to live life, he will stay pay for the consequences of Sin (squandering his inheritance, which can be time and money). The inheritance is given once, not twice.
The Elder brother resents the younger brother’s return, and complains to the Father “what about me, have I not always followed the rules?” His intention of following the rules can be examined. What does it say about you if you cannot be happy for those who have eventually found the Way? How do you know that the younger brother was with prostitutes? Have you always wanted to try being with a prostitute as well?
The Younger and Elder brother can be a metaphor for the two sides within you: the irrational, entrepreneurial and sensual side, and the rational and conservative side.
The Father as a third character…
On Writing Blog Posts
I was sitting here looking at my Roam/Apple notes wondering which one of these should I write about?
Interesting: you will often furiously jot down a realization thinking “this will be a good blog post later on.” But when Later comes, and you’re rereading the sentence(s), the emotional resonance from prior is gone and now you’re thinking “this is is still true…but I don’t feel a need to write about this anymore.”
Is this what “write drunk, edit sober” partially means?
I will still use my “running notes” via Roam and iNotes to process thoughts (many being business related) quickly and in live-time. But when it comes to “formally” making a blog entry, either:
Comb through the “starred” running notes and see if there is any I want to expand upon, or just delete them.
Write about what is currently on my my mind (ie what my conscious/subconscious is [still] thinking about).
Emotional Obliteration
*Updated 06/05/22
It’s important to undergo Emotional Obliteration regularly. It helps you to be Still, to Rest, to enter a Void that allows you to be Nothing. To be in a state that allows you to just feel without danger and stress. It also allows you to think on thoughts you might normally not entertain, or have new insights.
Here are four potent ways:
Korean spa (hot/cold/hot/cold)
Alcohol and music after working hard during the week
Sunday church service (certain type of worship session, sermon and ceremony [ie apostle’s creed, communion and benediction)
Romantic relationship (or at least the honeymoon phase)
The Difficult Art of Resting
Rest Time by Monika Luniak
Rest Time by Monika Luniaka
I went to bed yesterday (technically earlier this morning) at 2:30am*. And I got to work around 8am. Needless to say, I was unable to do anything at all. I found myself logging into social media and Youtube, and flitting through them incessantly, even though I did not really want to.
I still had a pricing sheet that was due on Monday to do, and the prospect of trekking to LA later with my brother to visit a newly arrived Angelite, going to my college friend’s birthday party, crashing somewhere, attending Citizen’s LA on Sunday morning seemed absurd, impossible and hellish.
I realized I was browsing the web in order to not feel the wretched tiredness that was powerfully present. So I decided to take a nap in an unused office room. I eventually was able to mercifully drift off into a dozing state (and now I feel fine), but staying still long enough doing nothing to enter this state was difficult.
We all get better at Working through experience, but I can’t say the same for Resting. If anything, we get worse at it as we get encounter more Chaos and shoulder more responsibilities. Instead of truly “resting”, we escape and cope instead. To become a pro, you must learn to be completely present either Working or Resting.
Practicing and getting better at truly Resting allows you to rekindle your desire to see the world and it’s people, and to continue to create. To see and be seen. To love and be loved.
Footnotes:
*I went to a church event and came home around midnight. And it so happened my laptop parental controls were unlocked, so I surfed Youtube for 2.5 hours.
Note to self: Publish posts once it is a “minimally viable product.” This encourages a habit of creating and publishing while reducing the pressure of perfection. And, it increases user engagement with more content.